12th - Contain yourselves

Coach Matt is leading the Breece-ty Boys to… destinations unknown. I know some managers have been waiting for this exact scenario: A winless 0-4 start for Coach Matt, and fans of all ages, he did not disappoint.

As much as you want to point fingers and laugh, as you should, the Breece-ty Boys clearly have had the hardest schedule so far this season with 567+ points scored against, including two loses to weekly high scorers. This is 70 points more then the next highest Points Against team and 162+ more points scored against than the easiest scheduled team: Man of Steele.

Yahoo said his best pick was Raheem Mostert, when he is literally his worst; but Coach Matt still clingeth. Week 1 and start with a sub 100 point performance thanks to 2/3 of the WR core not showing up against Hamburquesos. Week 2 had decent numbers put up but to no avail thanks to playing Eddie Scrap Iron and his 182 points. Week 3 against Lamb of god, turned out another sub 100 total and another inconsistent WR core. Week 4 turned out better than projected with stellar WR performances but would end up a lost cause to the weekly high scoring team MyCouchPullsOutIDont.

What is left to do but continue to get the first waiver wire pick?

11th - Hamburgers… Quesadillas… BattlestarGalactica

Coach Adam & Elias charging the Hamburquesos into the bellies of their opposition… that tactic has not been working as well as they intended unfortunately. Currently on a 3 game losing streak, maybe its time crack into that waiver wire. Currently the only team with his original drafted crew, it might be time for a change up. Projected to finish 5th, you are not living up to your B- draft grade potential.

With the QB position locked down, it might be tough to decide who to start each week. Josh Allen with 79 points on the season seems a lock every week, but Washingtons Jayden Daniels is rocking almost 95 points on the season, putting him the 3rd highest scoring player in the league thus far. Week 1 though, QB was an easy pick with Josh Allen running up 31 plus points along with kicker Jake Moddy’s 26 toe tapper landed you a victory over Breece-ty Boys with ease DESPITE not changing out a player designated as OUT for more than 24 hours, the fantasy gods tricks were in your favor that week. Unfortunately in Week 2, the gods could not hear your cries over the sweet sweet music from Willi & the Benders. A team quite literally named after you, beat you and with no help from last weeks hero’s. Week 3 had some potential, but most of the team suffered from match up and team injury situations like Waddle losing Tua, and The Suess is Loose pulled out a Victory. Week 4 had us all wanting for more; with this seasons lowest score to date, Josh Allens Boom or Bust performances and WR fumbling or not living up to their “potential”, the W was snatched away by the Impotent Sea Snakes

 With a relatively solid RB core, the WR crew outside of Shakira Shakira, seems to have had a slow start. Let us not forget the cries we hear from your locker room, for the return of the prodigal son, Sam Laporta.

10th - If a hot dog falls out of your pocket in the woods, does it make a noise?

 Coach Jimmy packing the Pocket Dogs on an uphill journey. Currently with the 3 most points scored against them, it might be easy to understand why they sit in 10th place with a 1-3 record, which funny enough is where Yahoo thinks you will finish. But lets make it more confusing by adding in that the Pocket dogs have the 4th highest points scored. Struggling in the QB and DEF positions, Coach Jimmy arguable has the top WR & RB duos in the league Jefferson and Reed combine for 157 points and Achane and Dobbins combine for 127 points. Now in Week 1 you had a stellar turn out with Cooper Kupp as he scored enough to pick up some of the slack of Burrows and Engram, but it was not quite enough to defeat the platinum record making Willi & the Benders. Week 2 was a breeze as you put up a solid score for the poor scoring Suess is Loose. There was an unfortunate casualty this week as Kupp goes down. Week 3 ended with a subpar performance and Davante Adams having a Hamstring go off, but this also was Joe Burrows best game of the year but wasn’t enough to beat the Impotent Sea Snakes. Week 4 brought some of the same as week 3, a subpar performance as well as weird news about Davante Adams wanting to be traded. But this weeks loss is not all on you, because Detroit Strong just had this week dialed in.

 With the most waiver wire moves currently at 8, are you dialed in? or still searching?

9th - Vegas made a mistake and had to “cancel” CMC

Coach James and the Suess is Loose, the controversy of the season: How long was San Francisco lying about Christian McCaffreys status? The number ONE overall pick of the draft is tied for the 455th spot in points because 454 other players in the NFL have scored points this season.

 Projected to finish in the middle of the pack, it makes you wonder if Yahoo actually knew this whole time… The Suess is Loose has scored the least amount of points averaging 97.5 points a week nevertheless is sitting at 2-2. Taking that 97.5 points/week and add the career average 22.5 ppr points CMC scores(this is his real average) that would make an average of 120 ppg which would have put Coach James as the 4th leading point scorer and 2nd place in the league.

Week 1 you got lucky after hearing the bad news. All of your San Fransisco players basically did not show up but that was okay because Coach Reese also didn’t so you secured the W. Week 2 starting running back Joe Mixon goes down with an injury, which was the cherry on top of a poor team performance, handing the victory to Pocket dogs. Week 3 showed Brock Purdy’s best performance along with an indication that Austin Ekeler is a viable backup… unless he gets a concussion. Rhamondre taking a backseat with his .3 points. But still a better than projected finish got you a win. Week 4 was a tease, Eddie Scrap Iron had two player lay goose eggs only to have San Francisco bring you down again for a lose.

Your teams top scorer is Baker Mayfield with 21+ more than Brock Purdy, is it time to start him to get more W’s?

8th - Let me tell you where I hide my glass cage of emotions!!

Coach Reese and the Man of Steele, just two Wednesdays back, Reese was on his early morning walk and he witnessed a vehicle drive by and then throw an empty used lotion bottle out their window. On that bottle the name “EAMONN” was written. Well this sent Coach Reese into a frenzy. A crazy tirade if you will, as feelings burst from deep within Reese words flew so strong and loud that he broke Yahoo and then proceeded to tell the league who he had a waiver claim for. Is it a player worthy of a name change? We will be the judge of that.

Week 1 REALLY had you wishing you drafted Gibbs over Harrison Jr, the first rounder plopped a 1.4 total points along a team that mostly flopped, you handed out your first W to the Suess is Loose. Week 2 REALLY had you wondering why you ever wished to have any other player over Harrison Jr…?! like duh… he is your Favorite! Harrison Jr more that double his projections with 29 total points, helping you build on your WR core and adding a win to your record. Week 3 was a Monday night lights out situation. It looked like a win was in your future but Jamar Chase came through in the witching hour to secure the win for Coach Willie’s Detroit Strong. Week 4 was a fantasy coaches dream, every player scored more than they were projected which ended up giving you the almost 50 point win over DomePatrol.

What will set this mad man off next? Will anyone suffer in the wake Reese? Are all his schemes just chocolate filled coins?

7th - Is Aaron Hernandez even in the NFL anymore, why does he have a movie out?

Coach Tim and Lamb of god does not appear to be tanking his season on purpose to get that illustrious Tramp Stamp punishment, or at least not yet. Yahoo projected the Lambs to finish 4th overall with a 10-4 record. Your two keepers are keeping your hopes alive while you are in 7th place. Kyren Williams and CeeDee Lamb are must starts. With the fewest top ten players on your team, those 7 waiver wire move changes have ensured your 2 week win streak.

Week 1 Easily could have made your record one better if Christian Kirk did his job. Yes Im putting this entire week on one player, putting up a measly 4 points and dropping 4 passes, easily could have been the 6 point difference in this season opener loss to DomePatrol. Week 2 you did everything right with James Cook coming alive but going up against Coach Eamonns almost 164 points is a hard task for any team. Week 3 showed Richardsons true colors and secure Kyren as your lead point scorer; there was no brotherly love this week when you handed Coach Matt his 3rd loss this week. Week 4, your coaching skills won you this match. Sitting Richardson for Fields secured you an additional 26+ points, more than enough for a win over Coach Jenny.

There still a lot of waivers that can be made to get you to the top… or the bottom.

6th - New phone, who dis?

Coach Willie coming on strong with Detroit Strong. Text chat “self pump up” - check. Sitting in 6th place with 3 “STUD” Quarterbacks and lead scoring WR Malik Nabers. If you didn’t hear/read: Coach Willie is speaking into existence that he is going to the Championship game and on his way to the top he needs to unload some of his extra gems he has lying around. Which is a strong sell for the rest of the league and Yahoo! Yahoo thinks you will finish 9th with a 4-10 record, but you’ve got different plans, especially with that motherload on the IR Bench…

Week 1 your heart sunk as your starting quarterback Jordan Love went down during the game, and quite possibly cost you the game in which you only lost by 4 points to Impotent Sea Snakes. Week 2 saw Nabers come alive but the rest of your team struggled to put up enough points to meet your projections, so you handed the win to Coach Sam and DomePatrol. Week 3 despite the second poor performance by Jared Goff, you were able to lock in your first win thanks to the help of Chase and Nabers and of course the leagues star K Brandon Aubrey. Week 4 was your best game yet, where everything seemed to be going your way. Waiver wire Pick up Sam Darnold who is the 4th highest scoring QB currently was actually your worst QB to start but he still rocked it, along with Pollard, Nabers and the 49ers Defense.

If you can keep Week 4 performances and scores going, you may just reach the Championship game.

5th - I knew it, Collusion!!

Coach Eamonn leading the league in points(550+) all while lounging in 5th place. MyCouchPullsOutIDont has had two 150+ point weeks, including one of the Weekly High Scores. Coach Eamonns team has also had the second hardest schedule with almost 500 points scored against them. Well folks, how does he do it? He puts the lotion on his skin.

Week 1 Was decided by less than 2 points, and not in your favor. Your valiant effort could have used a little more preseason practice for 4th round draftee Calvin Ridley, who dropped 4 passes. 1 one of those would have been the difference. But overall a better than projected performance that almost made you a 3-1 coach that could be in first place now. Week 2 Lose Pachecho and 16th round pick Marshawn Lloyd to the IR but put up an almost 164 point game in your first win of the season over Lamb of god. Week 3 your round 5 draftee Trey McBride goes down with a concussion but you flipped the switch on Derrick Henry and he scored 30 plus points but it was all for naught as frenemy Coach Sam takes you down a notch and take home the W for DomePatrol. Week 4, Coach Eamonn showed Coach Matt and his musical boys what its like to lead the charge with a team of knee knockers. Henry(36), Collins(33) and Robinson Jr(20) walk all over the Breece-ty Boys to secure a win and the weekly high score

4th - Take me to the Ring of Honor Sam Mills

Coach Sam making the right moves to position DomePatrol on the top with a 3-1 record despite extenuating circumstances. First round draft pick Tyreek Hill is struggling to find is place in the Tua-less offense; this paired with other key team injuries makes the path forward a tough one. Yahoo says you will have the toughest schedule in the league and finish on top, off to a good start so far!

Week 1 You had Action Tyreek Hill in full swing this week but suffered a keeper lose to the IR monster… Puka. A win is a win tho, right? I know Lamb of god might be willing to trade something for this 6 point win… ha! Week 2, you strutted your stuff over league newcomer, Coach Willie. Jalen Hurts and Kicker Fairbairn led the charge for a better than projected performance and win. Week 3 and now it seems to be clockwork, despite back to back poor performances from the Cheetah, you locked in another win over your former neighbor who occasionally would throw dog poop on your lawn. Maybe. Aaron Jones emerged as a must start. Week 4 and someone dropped dog poo in your cheerios it seems. Gaining your first loss to Coach Reeses Men of Steele, back up TE Gesecki should have stayed on the bench along with just about everyone else on DomePatrol. This was the first sub 100 performance of the season. Will it be your last?

Taking into account that the Domepatrol has been having a harder season then most of the league paired with scoring less than 7 other teams, does Coach Sam think about making a big move to take his game up a notch?

3rd - Best Draft, dreams do come true

Coach Guy making moves, squiggly moves, with the Impotent Sea Snakes. Things looked so good, if only for a day. Despite getting the best draft Yahoo projected you would finish 3rd overall, well look at you now… 3rd?! With team point leaders in Prescott, Jonathan Taylor and waiver wire pick up Geno Smith, Coach Guy marches on with his 2 game win streak to the tune of 3rd place and a favorable week 5 matchup.

Week 1 Despite a subpar performance, the Dallas defense carried you high enough to secure a 4 point win over the league newcomer Coach Willie. Week 2 In a strange turn of events, just like we credited Dallas to the win in week one, in week two the Dallas Cowboys fell apart leaving them partially responsible for the Loss. But an easy argument is the rushing TE Travis Kelce for not deciding to show up this year to score points. Week 3 Prescott, Cooper, Taylor came out like the studs they really are, in order to put out a better than project win for the Sea Snakes. Week 4 Locked in another win against a team that struggled to show up but to your benefit, a thank you or at least a Hamburqueso is in order, as a thank you to Coaches Adam & E for the WIN. Lets not talk about the status of JT… yet.

 There's an argument for Geno Smith to start more as well as McConkey and Legette,

2nd - Sweet Barkley of Mine

Coach Jenny and her travel costumed band: Willi & Benders started the season to the tune of 3-0 and then some sheep stepped on the amp cord and silenced the cheers, if only for a short time. Yahoo said you were destined for 10th place but it appears you have other plans!

Week 1 Willi & the Benders came out strumming against the ill prepared Pocket Dogs. Despite Lawrence and DK letting you down, you were able to find your lead singer: Saquon Barkley. He ran the gambit to the tune of 33+ points and the win. Week 2 well this time Lawrence still disappointed you and should likely be assigned to the Kazoo. Barkley sang his lungs out and DK bedazzled the crowd with his speed and almost 29 points securing another win over Coach Adam & E. The true Benders didn’t know what hit them! Week 3 was the game of the week for sure and a daunting for sure, especially since Eddie Scrap Iron just came of a 182 point week the previous week. But… Remember the barking Barkley? He barked out another 33 point game, despite the 19 projected deficit, Eddie Scrap Iron was not ready for the addition of 27 point scoring Goedert. Securing a win. Week 4 Mary had a little Lamb and that Lamb had a Lamb and a Kyren and a newly started Justin Fields, and unfortunately it was too much for Barkley and the gang to handle, landing you with a bad gig and your first loss.

1st - Anybody can lose one fight, anybody can lose once, you'll come back from this you'll be champion of the world.

 Coach Mike & Mark with the help of battle-scarred Eddie Scrap Iron. Yahoo gave them a D+ for their draft score and project an 8th place finish. Well, from up there on 1st place mountain, do you have anything more you would like to tell Yahoo and their projections?

The Scrap Irons are toting the league high scorer, Alvin Kamara who is the first player to eclipse 100 points, as he sits at 106+ points. Some surprising team performances can be found with 10th round pick Rashee Rice… hopefully we haven’t spoken too soon. Chubba Hubbard and Chris Godwin are performing well.

Week 1 was won at the expense of AJ Brown, but a win is a win right? Kamara and Godwin start to show their metal. By the skin of your teeth you pulled a victory over Coach Eamonn. Week 2 WHAT THE HECK IS THIS SHOW BOATING?! 182+ points against the commish… tisk tisk… (*whispers* “how do I manually change the score…”) This is the leagues highest score of the year. Kamara rushed out a 44 banger!! Week 3 is the first loss and it was a close one. Murray seemed to lack consistency and Kamara has his worst game of the season… but that 15.7 points. Rashee Rice even sacrificed his ACL to try and get a win this week… eek. A close 3+ point game, doesn’t have much to be ashamed of, but the fact that its nipping at your toes: Willi & the Benders makes that loss not as fun. Week 4 a subpar team effort for Mike & Mark, I mean two players had g00se eggs; Hubbard and Kamara still showed up just enough to win over a poor performing week 4 outing by the Suess is Loose.

Will we hear from Eddie Scrap-Iron Dupris… I think so